i just do.

i wanted to tell her what it was, but i was afraid.
i wanted to tell her it was love, but i was ashamed.
i wanted to tell her everything.

i wasn't sure if it was really how i felt. i wasn't sure
she felt the same.

i wanted to know if she felt what i felt or not.

the worst part is, having no idea.

but i know now. i know she feels the same.

and i feel absolutely wonderful.








im scared to death, but i just love you.

love type thing.

Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever.. and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you.

you're amazing and you never fail to give me a new reason to adore you. you make me feel like im actually worth something. I love the way you look at me when im nervous. even though it only makes me feel a bit more nervous, it also makes me feel safe. a different kind of safe. The kind of safe where i can jump a cliff without thinking because i know that no matter how hard im falling, it's for you. Even though ive already completely fallen for you. You're everything anyone could ever ask for and more. Sometimes i catch myself off-guard when i look at you. So i cant look because the butterflies in my tummy make me feel like i could go to the moon and i certainly dont want to go to the moon without you . . . . or t.h, sara and tegan lol. anywho, just thought i'd post this to let you know that you mean so much to me. i dont think any of these words are enough to truly express how i feel about you, but for now they'll have to do. :P
♥

missing you.

i feel like such a fool.
i've lost myself in the thoughts of all the things i've done.

how could i have done this to you?
how could i have let other peoples dumb comments get in the way of how i truly feel for you?
it's ridiculous.

im an idiot for ever doubting myself, because i know youre not the type of
person who says something and doesn't mean every word.

do you remember the night you said, "youre safe with me babe"?
i felt unbelievably safe. i felt invincible. and when im around you, i do feel
like that. you're the most amazing girl i have met in my sixteen
years on this planet. Not because you're like some super genius or can lift
fifty times your weight or something but because you're just you. I absolutely
adore that about you. You don't put on this front to try and be someone you're
not.

i couldn't take it by eighth hour. i sat in english class and cried like a little kid
because i felt like a complete jerk. i still do. i feel like ive done something wrong.
im not exactly sure what, but something. Once the bell rang and you walked passed
me in the hall, i broke down. really, just, i couldn't take it.

yes, i do still really like you. yes, i do still want to talk to you. Unless you walk up
and tell me that you want nothing to do with me, i will still want to talk to you. I don't
think you really know how much you've helped and how much you mean to me. You've gotten rid of those nightmares that kept me up at night for days at a time. You make me feel like i can do anything i set my mind to, but today, i thought i was just going to
fall over and die...and unlike you said a couple of days ago, you wouldn't have been there to catch me.

i promised myself i wouldn't let myself get like this. I did. I didn't want you to feel like you were just wasting your time on me.

now, i dont know how you feel. i dont know what youre thinking about all of this, about us. and that sucks so bad because im so scared.

im not scared of you hurting me [whether it be intentionally or not]. If you really want to know, what scares me most is simply the fact that we're supposed to find someone to be with forever. It completely screws with my head. It terrifies me. I really really wish you were that person but im only one of us. Who's to say you feel the same way?

i really dont know how you feel, but all im wishing for is that little spec of hope. the one where you and i can get past this thing that shouldn't have even been that big of a deal in the first place and just, try to fix things.

i just really dont want to lose the best thing that ever happened to me just because i was a little insecure about who i am.

and for someone who is supposed to be "just friends", why is it that i always get butterflies in my stomach whenever you smile at me?


"it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. it's a silly time to learn on the way down."

giving up.

So today in class i needed a bit of advice as far as my relationship issues go.
Why?
....because im afraid of screwing up. Yes, im really into this girl. Yes, she's the
first thing i think of in the morning and is always on my mind before bed because
she makes me feel safe. Basically, she's all i could ever hope for. The problem is
apparently i'm just "wasting my time."

On friday, a friend of mine asked me if i had "asked her out" yet. I of course said no
because im not exactly the type of person to do that. To be brutally honest, im a coward.
Anyway so, he was like "oh dude. You're such a fuckin pussy. Just do it!" Yeah, that's easy for someone like him to say. Im terrified of everything. There's no way i would just be able to do that.

Then today this girl said, "she likes boys. You're wasting your time". That made me feel like the most horrible person on planet earth. Partly because i think that, even though that may be the case now, there's a really big possibility it will be in the near future. She's not gonna wait for forever. What the hell do i have to offer her? nothing. absolutely nothing.

....i wish this were way easier but unfortunately it's not. All i do know is that even though it's not exactly the easiest thing, it's definitely one thing that's worth the struggle. Sometimes though, i do feel like giving up. but i try to get past my hangups as best as possible. if only i did a better job at it. :/