listen short stuff.

sometimes i wish i didn't know your smile.
i wish for a see-through heart.
a fistful of magic instead of regret.

sometimes i wish for my mind to go off
somewhere other than the empty war zone
of back and forth.. of ups and downs.

sometimes i wish i didn't need you.
the way people pray for god's empty
promises. the way the sky needs moonlight
to make it feel pretty.

sometimes i wish i were able to hold you when you
woke up crying in the middle of the night. fold you in
the pockets of my faith and say, "we'll be okay."

this won't mean a thing come tomorrow.

that's exactly how i'll make it seem.

::

a beautiful girl can make you feel dizzy. like you've been drinking
jack and coke all morning. she can make you feel high. full of the
single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a
better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow.
This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her
smile and in her soul.. the way she makes every rotten little thing about
life seem like it's going to be okay.

My hands tied up around these words. I wish you'd call.

..but i know that you're out tonight.

however,
if you were even able to call, i'd spill all these thoughts of mine
that are overflowing. ive done so much these past couple of days.
so many fumes.. so i end up a little stupid.. lol. it's worth it.

handful of stencils. terrible migraines.  one incredible person
that makes it all worth while.

where the good went. (pt. one)

i don't think that anyone in our place has ever fit in. we are the outcasts, we are the ones that are different. we're the ones that never got along with anyone else. we're the ones that always went back to our rooms and put on our headphones and listened to those records that made us happy.

so here goes my playlist of sorts. well.. one of many.
[alphabetically by artist]

[Boys Night Out]
I Got Punched In the Nose for Sticking My Face In Other People's Business.

[Brand New]
Be Gone.

[Circa Survive]
Act Appalled.

[Deftones]
The Chauffeur.

[Embrace]
Last Song.

[Fugazi]
Epic Problem.

[Glassjaw]
Ape Dos Mil.

[Jim Ward]
Broken Songs. (feat. Tegan Quin)

[PJ Harvey]
A Perfect Day Elise.

[The Shins]
New Slang.

company.

as much as i appreciate and am grateful for just about every opportunity that arises in which the outcome will be positive, part of me always feels either guilty, undeserving or really alone. i mean, i can be surrounded by so many positive people, yet i always feel like something is missing. for example, in march, i can meet tegan and sara because my friend knows security there.. im really excited because tegan and sara are two of my favourite musicians ever, but at the same time i really wish she was there with me. i think this feeling of emptiness that echoes through it all is largely due to the fact that i just wish this person i care about dearly could experience all of these great things with me. meeting all sorts of different people that you don't come across daily, seeing things and just all sorts of cool things this place has to offer that tend to be overshadowed by all the bad. my friends join me on all sorts of things, but the way i feel about them is completely different. sometimes i feel like they aren't even there, like they don't care, and even when i don't feel that way towards them, i still wish she was there. at the end of the day, i don't think im asking for a girlfriend out of any of this. she just seems to be the only person i can really make any sort of connection with in which i don't feel obligated to try and be someone i'm not.

..or maybe it's just the fact that it's almost half past two in the morning and i haven't slept.. but i doubt that. :)

another go tomorrow.

you try to take a look inside. to figure out what you're really about.
so you write.. and you write and write and write.
you write so much, if you were asked to read it aloud,
she'd be waiting tonight, next week, the end of the century for you to finish.
but we all know that won't happen. luckily that won't happen.

and you're nervous.
oh so nervous.
simple things. little things.
the way she strings sentences together..
you'd think she was the queen of wit and intellectualism.
perhaps the offspring of albert camus and liz feldman,
but that.... would just be weird.

it's weird how a skinned knee can make you feel like a kid
again, young again and a cup of coffee on occasion brings
this subtle feeling of adulthood. it's like that coffee mug
is the fluid version of bills and that monthly mortgage you
struggle so desperately to pay.

you pay the price in the form of fearing being grown up.
you trudge though all these emotions. those feelings of
i love you, hate you and whatever else comes in between.

why is it though.. that love is said to bring you happiness yet
all it ever brings is baggage and just more fear. it brings
insecurity as you watch her go and all you're left with is
knowing that you still don't know who you are.

just give this another go tomorrow.

exhale.

this winter is approaching fairly quickly.
with it, it brings the sound of motors running earlier than usual.
the smell of coffee and tea in its early morning hours.
children trying their best not to slip in front of that girl that makes their heart race,
you know, the one that makes their tummy flop backwards and forwards and left and right and each exhale is another opportunity wasted.
another breath gone.
given away to the cold air.
not the type you can see, no.
the kind of cold air that makes my lungs shiver..
even on a summer day.
the cold air that's like a parasite.
regret and fear eating away at.. your one wish was to not have to breathe in.
not once more.
it would be too easy to give up, to stop breathing. so you take each breath slowly..
knowing it prolongs the process, endless cycle of laughing and lying. falling in love, failing at it.
but it's worth it.
after all, spring is always making its way back.

im an indie mess.

Today's train ride back home gave me some more time to ponder upon what it is i want to do with my future. i've always loved writing, taking pictures and filming. what can a person do with a degree in any of that?! well.. i went to columbia college today. Columbia is the largest and most diverse private arts and media college in the nation. which is why it's my first school of choice. i've given it tons of thought and am sure that i want to pursue a career in film... while incorporating photography and writing in my work as much as i possibly can.

oh! and on another note, im working on networking here soooo.. yeah. feel free to add indie mess photography ..my photo site, i guess you can call it.. idk lol.

my current inspiration: aiden.

fatherless is how i prefer to be known.

today i had a small argument in class with my science teacher. although im paraphrasing it, it went something like this:

teacher: i want to see your mother tomorrow for conferences.

me: she's not coming. she has better things to do. why would you want to see her anyway, so that you can tell her about all of my absences?

teacher: yeah, you bet i'm going to her.

me: well.. like i said, she's not coming. she works.

teacher: i'm going to call her. the school doesn't close until nine. i'll just give her a call and let her know.

me: you're going to phone my mum to let her know that i haven't been going to school? they send all the letters to my house. we get all the notices.

teacher: well, i am going to call her anyway.

now the issue i have with this is, he's not my freakin' father. why does he care whether she knows if i go school or not?! his job is to bore me to death with his pointless knowledge of soil and minerals. he treats me like a child. constantly nagging me on why i haven't showed up or what i'm writing in my journal. things that are none of his business. it's ironic that he gave us a speech about how he wasn't going to "baby" us when it came to school work and that if we didn't do it, he wasn't going to be our cheerleader and say things like, "oh come on, you can do it!" i was so glad when he said that because everyone in the class is 16 & 17 years old. we aren't kids anymore, so when he's all up my butt over phoning my mum to just complain to her is quite pathetic and it irritates me.

Credit my weak heart and strong mind, to that bad circumstance and that terrible time.

mum raised us well. did everything she possibly could to make sure that we were okay. being a single parent all on your own with three kids.. you haven't even hit thirty yet, life is tough as it is. she definitely didn't have the hardest life but by no means the easiest either. she's lived a pretty alright life. why is it then, that i can't seem to do the same. i can't seem to find out what it is that's killing me inside. from the inside out. i wish i could fight this off but i don't know what it is. it's this resentment. this frustration.. because of what or who though? i don't understand. i don't understand how i can love someone i've never even met before. how i can love her more than i have ever loved just about anyone else. i don't understand how my sister can really think that fighting solves everything. ...i guess i think that as well. the difference is that i fight myself. i fight myself because i dont know what it is i'm looking for. my older sister is doing a damn good job at living her life. sure, she's in the military and i highly doubt that's an easy thing, but she seems happy.. overall. my younger sister feels most comfortable around her friends. around kids her age. my mum has 'god'. where does that leave me? i hate the people around me, i don't believe in her god. it's so frustrating to feel like you don't belong anywhere. to feel like you were almost a mistake. wasn't everyone? i wish i knew what it was that i was supposed to be looking for. it would make this life much easier. but i guess i'm asking for
way too much. sometimes i feel like i grew up too soon. i remember when i was about seven, my sister said she had to take her friend to the doctor. i tagged along because i wasn't feeling well so i didn't go to school. we weren't allowed inside. i didn't understand why. this man approached me with a binder in his hands. he opened it up. i saw a slew of photos of women on beds, he kept saying that it was wrong. that what was going on inside was murder. later on, i found out that what was supposed to be a doctor's office was actually an abortion clinic. my sister felt guilty. im sure she still does. my family is pro-life. i am afraid to tell them i am not. im getting off track here, but the point is, how can you be so sure that what her friend did didn't save that child of so much more pain, of so much more fear, hatred, anger. how do you know? you don't. i guess that life is a kick in the ass no matter what. maybe no one on this earth ever really has a purpose. if that's the case, i guess nothing anyone ever does really matters. does life matter? do you matter? do i matter? this isn't making sense anymore.
it's just sentence fragments poorly strung together. i guess my point is... if this life is really worth living, i wish i could find what it is i'm looking for. what it is inside me that is set out to make a difference. i wish this life was a less confusing, easier rode. i wish i believed in wishes.