every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore.

the two are constantly back and forth; at each others throats. my brain and heart, i mean. brain says "no no. stop. she doesn't care. why even bother anymore?!?" but the other is just like "maybe.. what's the worst that could happen? go for it. maybe. just maybe." i hate this. because i don't know which one to agree with. they both have their ups and obvious downs. so i am always at a standstill. i want to believe in us, but that's nonexistent. "us" i mean. it's nonexistent. so... why try? i tend to wake up in the morning with pieces of the past stuck in my throat, and she seems to be the only person to help me get over it. so maybe this is just a comfort zone. idk. who cares. (clearly i do, right?) i wish i didn't. i try to remain as docile as possible. really. i really do. for my own sake. it's not enough though, not at this point anyway. i'm overwhelmed. i do try to talk about things with other people though, but i always end up holding back, not being entirely honest or open. it doesn't feel right. so i stop talking. say it's nothing and sink into myself again. that's even worse when what's on my mind is her. i hate having to vent to her.. about her. it's so stupid. pointless. gets neither one of us anywhere. and i hate that she thinks that i think us being together is supposed to solve all my problems and make them like.. magically disappear. no. that's ludicrous. i know better, at least when it comes to that. i hope. i really do hope, otherwise i am an even sadder person that i initially thought i was. for now, i lie to myself and say that the self destruction, countless failures, believing in nothing and yet still loving her is all for the best.

let's hope this all clears up soon.
i need a break from routine. i need
to stop waiting on her, something
that'll never come.

"i was awfully tender around her, whispering and calm."

conversations with a number of friends of mine never fail to remind me of the fact that i don't trust a single one of them as much as i trust her. sure, there are things i tell some of the friends around me that i don't exactly tell everyone, but even then, it is all very vague and detached. so what makes her different? i highly doubt i will truly know the answer to that, but at this point i can't say it matters. it just simply irritates me once in a while that while she must have some sort of idea what she means to me, sometimes it catches me off guard how much she means to me.

anyway, for now i must go
read some more of The Catcher In The Rye.

"Nothing made sense to me anymore. I knew I was young, I knew I was small. But I was worried that I might already be ruined."

"There were some buildings. There are these really tall buildings and they could walk. Then there were some vampires. One of the vampires bit the tallest building and his fangs broke off. Then all his other teeth fell out.
Then he started crying. And then all the other vampires said 'Why are you crying? Aren't those just your baby teeth?' And uh..he said 'No. Those were my grown-up teeth.' And the vampires knew that he couldn't be a vampire anymore so they left him. The End."

The above is Max's story to his Mum in Where The Wild Things Are. I've seen the film many a time and have listened to his story over and over again. One thing that comes to mind whenever I watch the film is the fact that while I cannot wait to leave this god forsaken town and head off somewhere new in hopes of just giving myself a better life, the people around me seem to think that this town is all there is. The high school I'm in consists of about 4,000 students. More than half of them will live here the rest of their lives. I am unbelievably scared of that. There is nothing here for any of us. I mean sure, the city is only about twenty minutes from here, and it is greatly cultured. But even then, the thought of living somewhere for the sake of familiarity is not something that I find very appealing. I want to leave this place and see what else is out there. Experience summer in another country with new people the way they do. Take a walk through a forest I have never been in. Breathe the cold, lung chilling air of a Winter night in Berlin or Moscow, somewhere completely unfamiliar. While I most likely sound like just about every seventeen year old kid afraid of being stuck where they are, it doesn't take away from the fact that I want to be able to experience what's around me. The thought of staring down a road in a small town in France and just observing how people live their lives by different standards and means from the everyday rush of Americans is something that I find fascinating.
Sometimes I wake up wishing my mother would just come say "Hey, pack up all your things. We're leaving this place.. for good" Of course with our beautiful economy the way it is, I know that will never happen. That being said, I do understand that my only way out of this place is through school. At this point, it doesn't matter whether I end up in Australia, Spain or Bulgaria even, I just cannot live here with the same people who think that the world consists of the this town full of nothingness in the U.S only. It saddens me to the point where if i could, I'd take a sail boat wherever it was I was meant to end up.. I'm just hoping that I don't stay here the rest of my life. It would be a life disgustingly wasted.