every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore.

the two are constantly back and forth; at each others throats. my brain and heart, i mean. brain says "no no. stop. she doesn't care. why even bother anymore?!?" but the other is just like "maybe.. what's the worst that could happen? go for it. maybe. just maybe." i hate this. because i don't know which one to agree with. they both have their ups and obvious downs. so i am always at a standstill. i want to believe in us, but that's nonexistent. "us" i mean. it's nonexistent. so... why try? i tend to wake up in the morning with pieces of the past stuck in my throat, and she seems to be the only person to help me get over it. so maybe this is just a comfort zone. idk. who cares. (clearly i do, right?) i wish i didn't. i try to remain as docile as possible. really. i really do. for my own sake. it's not enough though, not at this point anyway. i'm overwhelmed. i do try to talk about things with other people though, but i always end up holding back, not being entirely honest or open. it doesn't feel right. so i stop talking. say it's nothing and sink into myself again. that's even worse when what's on my mind is her. i hate having to vent to her.. about her. it's so stupid. pointless. gets neither one of us anywhere. and i hate that she thinks that i think us being together is supposed to solve all my problems and make them like.. magically disappear. no. that's ludicrous. i know better, at least when it comes to that. i hope. i really do hope, otherwise i am an even sadder person that i initially thought i was. for now, i lie to myself and say that the self destruction, countless failures, believing in nothing and yet still loving her is all for the best.

let's hope this all clears up soon.
i need a break from routine. i need
to stop waiting on her, something
that'll never come.