everybody leaves and i'd expect as much from you.

i don't think the fact that i'm used to people leaving is a good thing. the more i think about it though, the more i kind of realize that at this point.. i'm expecting them to do so, so i don't really open up to many people.

why open up to someone who's just going to be gone in like.. a month's time or so? it's a waste of breath and pointless to be reminded of all the crap i've had to deal with.

that being said, i guess this is why im surprised jess has stuck around as long as she has. if i remember correctly (and i probably don't lol) we started talking a few days after my birthday.. so it's been well close to a year.

we've had our ups and definite downs and i apologize constantly for those downs because i hate feeling like a burden. i hate making things worse.. even though that's usually what happens.

a constant thought of mine is usually "well.. i wonder if today is the day jess is going to 'walk out' of my life" ..if/when it happens, there'll be nothing i could possibly do. i can't make someone stick around, but the fact that she's done it has got to be like... pure luck or something because no one else has ever stuck around that long.

(except for maybe rick, but he's like my brother so i usually don't count him lol)

talking like a teen.

well.. part of me is always debating whether i really want to tell you everything that i regret not telling you when i get the chance.. but is there ever really a chance? is there ever really a "right moment" ?

i don't really think so.
because.. it's like.. i might as well be talking to a plant or something...
not that you're a plant. ;)

but anyway, back to what i was trying to get across.
the reason i said we probably shouldn't IM like that is because well.. all it ends up doing is reminding me that.. things will never work out. and... that sucks.

at this point, it doesn't bum me out that things won't work out, it bums me out that i keep getting my hopes up for no reason.

i say it's the little things about you i adore.
you call them your.. retardations of sorts.

....does it bug me when you call them that?
i must admit, it does a little.
because.. well.... if i didn't mean it, i wouldn't say it.

all ive ever been is honest with you.
and sometimes it's like.. i could say anything and it wouldn't be taken seriously.


i don't know.. perhaps i really am just over analyzing all of this.
i try to tell myself that this is just a silly school-type crush on someone.
the type that doesn't mean a thing.
the one that is there until you run into the next person who you think is "the one"

...it's been like... a year. :|

you said it yourself when we first met.
i remember it word for word.

you said, "the fact we're supposed to find someone to be with forever completely screws with my head."

well.. you're not the only one it screws with.


im terrified of a lot of things.
im terrified of driving at night in horrible weather.
im terrified of ending up in a dead-end job.
im terrified of ODing.
im terrified of living a life that i hate.
im terrified of getting into a horrible car wreck.

but right now.. what terrifies me most is the fact that
after all this time... i do still have these feelings for you.

and i know we pretty much just agreed on the fact that like.. it's because i don't know
you 'personally' so i feel comfortable around you.. but if that were really the reason why..
wouldn't i have these same strong feelings for.. Rob or Cara, Keeley or whoever the hell it was that answered the suicide prevention hotline last?

i just... i know there's gotta be something more there and it kills me. it kills me that the only person
i ever loved doesn't want me...

i just sort of reminded myself of Natalie from Running with Scissors.

Augusten: tell me who he is, Natalie.

Natalie: shut up.

Augusten: tell so i don't feel so alone!

Natalie: he was the only one i ever loved and he doesn't want me anymore! Do you feel better?

yeah.. that scene.
if you've seen it, there's no doubt in my mind that you know what im talking about.
it's a great movie. one of my favourite books. one of my favourite films.



was that enough of a tangent to help you forget what was written before that?
god i hope so.

maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills will leave us like a love letter in a land fill.

but whatever, whenever, however this ends..
i want you to know that right now... i love you forever.