the girl.

so, i met this girl earlier on in the school year. kinda funny how we met actually. i was standing across the street from my high school asking random people questions. she had walked past and aloud i said something along the lines of "i need more friends that like tegan and sara. does anyone here like tegan and sara?" from the corner of my eye i saw this beautiful girl [who just so happened to be with her boyfriend at the time] and so super excited [because im kind of a huge tegan and sara] fan], i ran up and high fived her [if you're reading this, correct me if im wrong but i do believe that's what i did] and just went on with life. i'd see her around the halls at school every once in a while, id say hello. you know, no big deal, right? just being friendly. and so after a while of not talking to her whatsoever [our schedules dont really fit together, im a sophomore, shes a senior] i came across her myspace profile and figured it would do no harm to add her. [im usually not the biggest fan of myspace but whatever. it beats facebook. i wouldn't go near facebook due to fear for my life lol] have you noticed the ADD in my thinking process yet? anyway, where was i? oh yeah, so after a while of catching up, she ended up giving me her number. so we'd text each other pretty much all day every day. and i realized that she was even more amazing than i initially thought. she's fantastic. and she kinda just so happens to like me too. the downfall, im an emotional train wreck. but she knows this. and frankly, if she's willing to still say she likes me even while knowing that if we tried to start something, it would be tough, this girl is definitely a keeper. she's so sweet and one of the nicest people i have ever met. there isn't a single thing about her that i dislike. plus, she's a vegetarian. what else could i ask for?! she's like the perfect girl. she likes tegan and sara, animals, films, AND me? i always look forward to talking to her. she brightens up my day. like my own personal ray of sunshine. the best ray. the star i'd wish upon at night knowing that the next morning would be the best of mornings. i just wish i could take her by the hand and tell her i would take her anywhere :]

day of silence.

so friday [4.24.09] was the day of silence [for the lgbt] at my high school. What i thought was supposed to be a great turnout, ended up being not so great. A whole bunch of my friends signed up and throughout the day i saw them crumble. fall apart. How hard is it to shut up for a day? honestly. the only part during which i had trouble was in English and European History. They're my two favourite classes so i couldn't necessarily participate in the discussion as much as i would have liked to. My friends though, they couldn't even last an hour and these aren't kids who love school. They're my "school sucks" friends. It was really quite pathetic. Oh well, i did my part. That's all that truly matters at this point. The people who did participate and went through the whole day without talking, they're great!

and darling.

so, jeez, i'm like super nervous writing this mainly because i'm not exactly sure what to write. i am really bad at writing out how i truly feel. also, i'm not really sure what your feelings are both toward me and our predicament in general. what i will say is this, i really really like you. more than i think i realized at first. i wake up in the morning and think, "i hope she slept safe last night and i hope the day goes well", and when i go to bed at night after a terrible day, i hold my binder close and fall asleep because it makes me feel safe. you make me feel safe. invincible almost. like i could do just about anything i set my mind to. if i'm having a crummy day at school, i just put on my headphones and listen to tegan and sara because they always remind me of you and it cheers me up. i have nothing to offer you, nothing that i can say would honestly take your very breath away. just me. and that's it. all i have to show you is me. i'm not perfect. is anyone, really? nope. but i definitely am nowhere near it. ah, i feel like a fool. this is everything i can think of right now, but i'm sure there is definitely more.

film.

i've always been a fan of Rob Zombie. i find his take on both music and film one that i sincerely feel was needed. Mainstream films have always just been so watered down to me. the way i see it, sure, making money is good, but when you make films for the sole purpose of making money, it loses the purpose. Why make a movie when it's not about something that you are not passionate about? it's pointless. I must admit though, i do like a mainstream film every once in a while. [ex. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button] My favourite director, however, has to be Jamie Babbit. [itty bitty titty committee, but im a cheerleader] Out of every indie film i've seen since i was about ten years old, her films have to be my favorite. I'm just an extremely big fan of indie and foreign films. So, in closing, Rob Zombie makes some great films. Although House of 1000 Corpses was very flawed. That film seemed to have the budget potential to be great but regardless of the amount of money, it still was somewhat of a fail. The Devils Rejects, to me, was a much better film and i was fond of his remake of Halloween as well.

know what you want and go for it.

this seems to be one of my biggest problems. i'm all over the place when it comes to this. I've changed my mind as to what i want to do for a living multiple times. i've gone through millions and millions and millions of emotions and i still do not know what i want to do with my life. i wish i wasn't afraid all the time, but i am. i'm terrified of truly becoming what i hate. i don't want to wake up one morning hating what i've become. there is one song that has always stuck with me since the day it was released. Millstone by Brand New. It's like Jesse Lacey knew exactly what i was going through. Like the moment he wrote the song, we were the only two people on planet earth and we just so happened to feel the same. Only, i feel like this every day. More and more every single day. i wake up every morning not sure of what's ahead of me. I don't want to wake up thirty-five, working a pointless job, aimlessly trying to get through life under the radar. In my opinion, it's a pathetic way to live life.

the verses that, to me, stand out from millstone:
"I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to pray a God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out."

insomia.

so it's a little over half past one in the morning. i read about thirty pages from Dry by Augusten Burroughs. I'm such a horrible procrastinator. I think i've basically just given up, but hey, being a sophomore in high school, i couldn't really expect anything else from myself. My friend drew me a picture. She calls me her little tegan [as in tegan and sara because im an emotional wreck] and i call her my skq. Anyway, oh how i detest ADD. Uh...where was i? oh right, so she drew me a picture. It's got a spaceship on it. A one page note. I think it's great. Definitely made my day. Other than that, i'm failing chemistry :) and.... i believe geometry. christ, i'm an idiot. Taking Back Sunday said it best, I'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie. Okay, seriously, i have to be up for school in a matter of hours. i don't believe this is very healthy. Oh well, we've all got to die some day, right?