thoughts are the shadows of feelings.

it's roughly almost a quarter past three in the morning. wednesday morning. i have school in a few hours. haven't slept in about three days or so. maybe more. maybe less. it's hard to tell anymore. i managed to get through school without completely face-planting into a sleep coma. don't know how, but i have stayed up. it's beyond cold in this room of mine. or maybe it's just me. i try to sleep, but cannot do it. what ends up happening is that i stare at the ceiling for hours, then i'll read something. after that: nothing. i can't say i fancy this all too much. rest sounds good. Jess said she would get me on a regular sleeping schedule. i just sort of chuckled at the idea. if she succeeds, she is a miracle worker because i definitely can't seem to do so. anyway, all this time awake just keeps my mind running in circles. something that's been on my mind for the past few hours is infinity. infinity goes both ways, this must mean we all get a second chance. i hope it does. also, the notion that all elephants are gray, but not all gray things are elephants is something that i find interesting. i just think it's clever. or maybe there's something more profound that i like about it, but cannot seem to focus long enough to figure it out. i had tea a little while ago. not sure why. too early. got a tummy ache. should go for a walk, but it's cold out and my hoodie will not suffice. i miss jess. i feel lost. uncomfortable. maybe it's not her that i miss though. my sister took aiden back with her to california. [he's about a year and half] he was staying with us for almost a year while my sister did her tour overseas in Iraq. i miss him terribly. so maybe that's what i miss the most, is the baby. he's such a goof and now i won't be able to see him for months. it sucks to know that. i will miss dancing with him on almost a daily basis to "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. hysterical. back to jess? perhaps. i need to get my mind off of aiden. i swear some of the things she says hit me like heroin. there's so much about her i adore, and i'm not quite sure why. perhaps it's because they're qualities i lack in my own life, or just don't realize i possess. regardless, i love that kid more than anything else, sometimes anyway. i think i'm much too dependent on her to help me out when i feel terrible. but she's always there, so i don't know. it's like this addiction. but.. in a healthy way? i'm not quite sure how to explain it, but the point is she helps me out so much and i don't believe she realizes it. if she does, then she most certainly doesn't give herself enough credit, by anyone's means.

p.s. she is also easily the most adorable person i've ever met and doesn't even realize it... and that kinda bugs me, but whatevs. we'll let it slide ;)