everybody leaves and i'd expect as much from you.

i don't think the fact that i'm used to people leaving is a good thing. the more i think about it though, the more i kind of realize that at this point.. i'm expecting them to do so, so i don't really open up to many people.

why open up to someone who's just going to be gone in like.. a month's time or so? it's a waste of breath and pointless to be reminded of all the crap i've had to deal with.

that being said, i guess this is why im surprised jess has stuck around as long as she has. if i remember correctly (and i probably don't lol) we started talking a few days after my birthday.. so it's been well close to a year.

we've had our ups and definite downs and i apologize constantly for those downs because i hate feeling like a burden. i hate making things worse.. even though that's usually what happens.

a constant thought of mine is usually "well.. i wonder if today is the day jess is going to 'walk out' of my life" ..if/when it happens, there'll be nothing i could possibly do. i can't make someone stick around, but the fact that she's done it has got to be like... pure luck or something because no one else has ever stuck around that long.

(except for maybe rick, but he's like my brother so i usually don't count him lol)

talking like a teen.

well.. part of me is always debating whether i really want to tell you everything that i regret not telling you when i get the chance.. but is there ever really a chance? is there ever really a "right moment" ?

i don't really think so.
because.. it's like.. i might as well be talking to a plant or something...
not that you're a plant. ;)

but anyway, back to what i was trying to get across.
the reason i said we probably shouldn't IM like that is because well.. all it ends up doing is reminding me that.. things will never work out. and... that sucks.

at this point, it doesn't bum me out that things won't work out, it bums me out that i keep getting my hopes up for no reason.

i say it's the little things about you i adore.
you call them your.. retardations of sorts.

....does it bug me when you call them that?
i must admit, it does a little.
because.. well.... if i didn't mean it, i wouldn't say it.

all ive ever been is honest with you.
and sometimes it's like.. i could say anything and it wouldn't be taken seriously.


i don't know.. perhaps i really am just over analyzing all of this.
i try to tell myself that this is just a silly school-type crush on someone.
the type that doesn't mean a thing.
the one that is there until you run into the next person who you think is "the one"

...it's been like... a year. :|

you said it yourself when we first met.
i remember it word for word.

you said, "the fact we're supposed to find someone to be with forever completely screws with my head."

well.. you're not the only one it screws with.


im terrified of a lot of things.
im terrified of driving at night in horrible weather.
im terrified of ending up in a dead-end job.
im terrified of ODing.
im terrified of living a life that i hate.
im terrified of getting into a horrible car wreck.

but right now.. what terrifies me most is the fact that
after all this time... i do still have these feelings for you.

and i know we pretty much just agreed on the fact that like.. it's because i don't know
you 'personally' so i feel comfortable around you.. but if that were really the reason why..
wouldn't i have these same strong feelings for.. Rob or Cara, Keeley or whoever the hell it was that answered the suicide prevention hotline last?

i just... i know there's gotta be something more there and it kills me. it kills me that the only person
i ever loved doesn't want me...

i just sort of reminded myself of Natalie from Running with Scissors.

Augusten: tell me who he is, Natalie.

Natalie: shut up.

Augusten: tell so i don't feel so alone!

Natalie: he was the only one i ever loved and he doesn't want me anymore! Do you feel better?

yeah.. that scene.
if you've seen it, there's no doubt in my mind that you know what im talking about.
it's a great movie. one of my favourite books. one of my favourite films.



was that enough of a tangent to help you forget what was written before that?
god i hope so.

maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills will leave us like a love letter in a land fill.

but whatever, whenever, however this ends..
i want you to know that right now... i love you forever.

in the middle of this thought without you, babe. in the middle of what you said.

well here i am again. back where i started. wondering how bad i'm going to screw things up this time. and.. i know there's no one to blame but me.

why can't i shut up? why is it so difficult to let this go; difficult to let her go.

i tell myself, "i am ready" but ready for what?

i took a walk earlier.
at least an hour.

i could feel the street freeze my toes.
my knees shiver and my fingers go numb,
but my lungs felt free.

i felt like regardless of what anyone said, i'd be okay.

im so sick of the constant reminders.
"you dont even know her"
"youre never gonna meet her"
"why care? she doesn't"
"wtf is wrong with you?"
"you're an idiot"
"..but you have nothing to offer her"

look, maybe you're right.
chances are, you probably are right.
but i live my own life.
i make my own decisions. both good and bad.
so please don't be that person who just ruins my day.

the walk was so calming. the cold air. the snow seeping into
the soles of my shoes. the trees staring at me. the footprints, a
reminder that things are constantly changing. that life is going to
take me to hell and back. and maybe this is hell. maybe i'm supposed
to feel this way about life and about her. maybe this is what love is
truly like. not the shit on tv or valentines day. but true, honest love.
maybe it is supposed to hurt this much.

i should probably go for another walk.

soil, soil

"i feel like a fool so im going to stop troubling you"

this line expresses so much more to me than you'd think.
to me, it's puts emphasis on the fact that you can care about someone dearly,
not in a silly child-like way where it depends on how you're feeling for the day or
what they look like on the outside, but truly care about someone... and they
still seem to take you for granted.

it's like.. sometimes you wonder whether said person even deserves your
attention, affection, or even a second thought.

"why care about someone you don't even know?" they say.

well... why not?

sure i feel like an asshole most of the time, but how can someone who makes me
feel like there's a reason to get up every morning be that bad of a person?

once again, another question i doubt i'll ever know the answer to.

although to be honest, sometimes i feel like they're right.

why do i care so much?
what makes her so different from everyone else?

all anyone ever cares about is how attractive someone is.
and that's a damn shame because if people just set that aside.. even just a little,
life would be much better.

there are those of us who could care less what someone looks like because
it doesn't define what a person is like on the inside, where it matters.

geez, i sound like an informercial or one of those lifetime soap operas.
this is ridiculous.

the point is, i really wish people didn't dwell on the pointless things in life and actually
took the time to realize that those of us around them, truly do care and appreciate
the company.

so much for so little.

i just hand wrote about three pages.
it's still not enough.
i still feel all of this inside.

i feel like you don't give a shit.
like you could care less and this
makes me feel like an asshole.
like a complete and total fucking
idiot for ever thinking you cared.

but whatever. it's like.. why the fuck
do i even bother anymore? why??

you don't care.
so.. why should i?

it's not like it makes a difference.

i just wish i listened to my friends more
often.. they were right. all the shit they
give me is for a reason, why am i just
too naive to notice?

ugh. i can't wait for this year to be over.

plans for the holiday break.

so ive got about two weeks off. i haven't seen my sister in about a year because she was in Iraq and just got back to the US like a week and a half ago or so. She gets here on Tuesday morning. really early. [like 4am early] so im going to solicit her in hopes of accomplishing the following:

•learn how to change a tire.
•learn how to drive in this horrible snow.
•learn how to chance the oil of a car.
•learn how to wrestle.. well.
•take me to get my license... maybe..idk for sure yet about this one.

then i will convince her to do the following activities with me:
•go bowling.
•let me teach her how to play rugby.
•play a game of rugby in the snow.
•watch a movie.
•play some drinking games ..hah. i'd win.

annnnnnnnnnnd that's all ive got planned thus far.
oh and i have to journal for my Phys Ed teacher for some extra credit which is cool. :) super easy extra credit assignment.

best/worst of 2009.

this year is closing in on it's end. went by quick. sometimes it's scary to think how fast time can go by and all we're left with is an unresolved new years resolution and yet another to add to the list. not a bad year though. focus for this post: some of my favourite and least favourite films, albums, etc of the year, so here goes.

::favourite album::
Tegan and Sara
Sainthood. (really no serious competition there lol)

Runner-ups:
-Karen O and the Kids
Where the wild Things Are Soundtrack.
-Metric
Fantasies.
-The Used
Artwork.




::least favourite album::
Gwar
America Must be Destroyed CD/Dvd.

Runner-ups:
-Dashboard Confessional
After The Ending.
-Switchfoot
Hello Hurricane.
-Say Anything
Say Anything.





::favourite film::
Where the Wild Things Are.

Runner-ups:
-Inglourious Basterds.
-Whip It.
-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.















::least favourite film::

Runner-ups:
As much as i love Rob Zombie
let's be honest, this sucked.. hard.
















::most overrated band::
3Oh!3 (just.. no talent whatsoever)

Runner-ups:
-Paramore.
-My Chemical Romance.. still.
-Cobra Starship.















::most underrated band/musician::
Rachael Cantu.

Runner-ups:
-Matt and Kim.
-Char2d2.










::band that should make a comeback in 2010::
Le Tigre.

Runner-up:
Sleater-Kinney.










::band that should consider throwing in the towel::
Green Day. (well.. i think they should)

::most anticipated film of 2010::
Alice In Wonderland.

::most anticipated album/band::
The Gaslight Anthem.

Runner-up:
-Alkaline Trio.

2010 FIFA World Cup, ay?

so since just about everyone around me is suuuuuuuuuper excited and has their own opinions as to who has a chance at winning and whatnot, here goes my opinion for the matches im interested in lol.. because even still, im not all that into soccer... seriously. :|

::Match::

France V Mexico:
france.

England V USA:
usa..


Germany V Australia:
...tough personal choice, but after some thought,
i've gotta give it to australia.

Italy V New Zealand:
uhh....new zealand.

annnnnd
Spain V Switzerland:
spain.


in other news:
what's your favourite song off of Tegan and Sara's Sainthood?
:)

musical habits.

i noticed something today. what i noticed was that i have a habit of listening to certain bands during certain seasons.[i do listen to anything, but just from what ive noticed, i tend to listen to certain bands more during certain seasons. idk why]

spring and summer are usually full of anything from Atmosphere to the Bouncing Souls and everything in between. In general though, some really good punk bands/albums.

autumn goes to loads of indie/acoustic stuff [more than usual]. both old and new.

winter brings me back to where it all started. growing up listening to loads of heavier stuff. Though i must admit, i really prefer the stuff from like the mid-90s to about 2003. Not a huge fan of the heavier stuff out now... not that it's bad, i just prefer the older stuff.

weak wrists make the girl.

i wrote a poem on a page. read it back today. didn't get it.
read it yesterday, made all the sense in the world.

spoke about you to the world. they ridiculed me. didn't get me.

spoke about you to a certain few, they smiled and said they'd never seen me happier.

wrote again today. pressed for time.
constant constraints and schedules.
rules to abide by. all of this makes me nervous.

but you bring me back down. down to a place
where nothing else matters. a place where i can
say everything i never wanted to say. forget what
i was so excited to tell you.
none of this matters anymore.

does this make any sense?
who really knows..

all im ever sure of is that you're like urban hope.
the reason i forget to breathe in the morning.
one of the few reasons i try to find my way back home.

No Snow Yet.

i hope it stays this way. winters in the city can get pretty brutal and having to commute to and from school daily is a nightmare when there's snow out and it's super cold. it will snow though.. i know it. it was supposed to snow last week. while it is fun to play in the snow (because yes, we still do that from time to time lol) it sucks having to shovel snow off of the front steps at like six in the morning and it sucks having to drive around because the cars get stuck in the damn snow. stupid parking. stupid snow. although the winter can't be avoided, at least we can try to make the best of it.

Dear You.

"you'll find.. i've written you a thousand times."