in the middle of this thought without you, babe. in the middle of what you said.

well here i am again. back where i started. wondering how bad i'm going to screw things up this time. and.. i know there's no one to blame but me.

why can't i shut up? why is it so difficult to let this go; difficult to let her go.

i tell myself, "i am ready" but ready for what?

i took a walk earlier.
at least an hour.

i could feel the street freeze my toes.
my knees shiver and my fingers go numb,
but my lungs felt free.

i felt like regardless of what anyone said, i'd be okay.

im so sick of the constant reminders.
"you dont even know her"
"youre never gonna meet her"
"why care? she doesn't"
"wtf is wrong with you?"
"you're an idiot"
"..but you have nothing to offer her"

look, maybe you're right.
chances are, you probably are right.
but i live my own life.
i make my own decisions. both good and bad.
so please don't be that person who just ruins my day.

the walk was so calming. the cold air. the snow seeping into
the soles of my shoes. the trees staring at me. the footprints, a
reminder that things are constantly changing. that life is going to
take me to hell and back. and maybe this is hell. maybe i'm supposed
to feel this way about life and about her. maybe this is what love is
truly like. not the shit on tv or valentines day. but true, honest love.
maybe it is supposed to hurt this much.

i should probably go for another walk.