Very Imporant! I could use your help, just lend an ear, will you? You won't be disappointed! :D

"i felt you in my life before i ever thought to"

sometimes all we need is a friend. or.. two. the person i am most honest and open with and completely adore lives on the other side of the world, has her own agenda, her own issues, problems, etc. no time to deal with the things i've got going on. which is completely understandable. take care of yourself before others and make sure you're okay. there's nothing wrong with that at all. the only downside is that i don't know what else to do with myself. when the person i vent to is too busy, mentally or figuratively, where do i go? i made a friend recently. cool girl. we share a great appreciation for music, film, etc. She's like.. the American Jess only not really because well.. Jess is Jess and there's no getting around that. No one will ever replace Jess, that's just not possible whatsoever. i've told jess things that i will never ever in my life say to anyone else again, because i honestly just don't trust others anywhere near as much as i trust her. But i must say it is kinda nice to be able to talk to someone about the things that are on my mind without having to be on a computer... not that i mind, i do love the conversations i have with Jess. They're amongst the best i've ever had. Anyway, i like bumming smokes and just having things in common with someone other than the person i adore most who i will, unfortunately, never meet.. even though if we did by some miracle meet, boy would i be able to die completely and utterly happy. no joke. for now though, i guess one can only hope.

Jigsaw Youth.

So after putting my zine ideas on hold for months and months... and months, i have finally decided to make part three. Unfortunately i have lost pretty much ALL of what i started with. The layout and what have you. I do believe Jess has a "reprint" of the original, but i don't really remember. Will have to ask her about that. Anyway, since my zine writing skills are a tad rusty, i will take me a couple of days to come up with something to write about. One thing that will be in there for sure is my album review of sorts for Tegan and Sara's Sainthood. Nothing huge or anything, considering it's a mini 8 page zine. [That includes the front and back covers and "mini" meaning you can fit it in your hand] If you've got an "feminist" artwork lying around, feel free to send it my way, or a short story, or anything really, as long I can fit it onto a page that's roughly 4 inches in height and 3 inches in width. I will try to incorporate it in if you want. Will give you credit, no worries. For now i must brainstorm.

it's always as if they look at you and they say "help me, this cannot be happening to me..."

it's so ridiculously  absurd that people go on about how "advanced the human race is" and how great humans are, yet they haven't the slightest problem testing on animals. everything from cosmetics to AIDS and even "nutritional experiments" on dogs in which they are confined to cages for years without any medical attention if and when needed. What is so great about humans when they seem to do all of this disgusting testing on animals who haven't got the chance to stand up for themselves? Many people say "oh well.. they're just animals" just animals? That is absolutely ludicrous. Animals are vastly intelligent and they, like humans, feel pain. It is illegal for a man to kill another man, but when a monkey has his eyes sewn shut and is isolated and tortured for months until he dies, the world doesn't take a second look. What makes him so different? Is it the tail? His inability to communicate like a person? That is insignificant and is no different from say discriminating based on the colour of one's skin or someone who is mute. What is more sickening is the fact that these labs and the people running the experiments all seem to get some sort of pleasure in abusing these defenseless animals and expect us all to revel in their zeal. absolutely sickening. Many of the testing done adds no extra knowledge or help when it comes to whatever it is they were being tested for. For example, According to the National Institutes of Health, many of the vaccines for HIV/AIDS developed using animals and brought to human trials have failed.

"We don't face firing squads, lifetime prison sentences or the gas chambers for saying what's on our minds and in our hearts. We won't lose our lives if we speak out against animal wrongs wherever we see them, but the animals do lose theirs if we don't, so we must." -Ingrid Newkirk, animal rights activist

thoughts are the shadows of feelings.

it's roughly almost a quarter past three in the morning. wednesday morning. i have school in a few hours. haven't slept in about three days or so. maybe more. maybe less. it's hard to tell anymore. i managed to get through school without completely face-planting into a sleep coma. don't know how, but i have stayed up. it's beyond cold in this room of mine. or maybe it's just me. i try to sleep, but cannot do it. what ends up happening is that i stare at the ceiling for hours, then i'll read something. after that: nothing. i can't say i fancy this all too much. rest sounds good. Jess said she would get me on a regular sleeping schedule. i just sort of chuckled at the idea. if she succeeds, she is a miracle worker because i definitely can't seem to do so. anyway, all this time awake just keeps my mind running in circles. something that's been on my mind for the past few hours is infinity. infinity goes both ways, this must mean we all get a second chance. i hope it does. also, the notion that all elephants are gray, but not all gray things are elephants is something that i find interesting. i just think it's clever. or maybe there's something more profound that i like about it, but cannot seem to focus long enough to figure it out. i had tea a little while ago. not sure why. too early. got a tummy ache. should go for a walk, but it's cold out and my hoodie will not suffice. i miss jess. i feel lost. uncomfortable. maybe it's not her that i miss though. my sister took aiden back with her to california. [he's about a year and half] he was staying with us for almost a year while my sister did her tour overseas in Iraq. i miss him terribly. so maybe that's what i miss the most, is the baby. he's such a goof and now i won't be able to see him for months. it sucks to know that. i will miss dancing with him on almost a daily basis to "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. hysterical. back to jess? perhaps. i need to get my mind off of aiden. i swear some of the things she says hit me like heroin. there's so much about her i adore, and i'm not quite sure why. perhaps it's because they're qualities i lack in my own life, or just don't realize i possess. regardless, i love that kid more than anything else, sometimes anyway. i think i'm much too dependent on her to help me out when i feel terrible. but she's always there, so i don't know. it's like this addiction. but.. in a healthy way? i'm not quite sure how to explain it, but the point is she helps me out so much and i don't believe she realizes it. if she does, then she most certainly doesn't give herself enough credit, by anyone's means.

p.s. she is also easily the most adorable person i've ever met and doesn't even realize it... and that kinda bugs me, but whatevs. we'll let it slide ;)

every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore.

the two are constantly back and forth; at each others throats. my brain and heart, i mean. brain says "no no. stop. she doesn't care. why even bother anymore?!?" but the other is just like "maybe.. what's the worst that could happen? go for it. maybe. just maybe." i hate this. because i don't know which one to agree with. they both have their ups and obvious downs. so i am always at a standstill. i want to believe in us, but that's nonexistent. "us" i mean. it's nonexistent. so... why try? i tend to wake up in the morning with pieces of the past stuck in my throat, and she seems to be the only person to help me get over it. so maybe this is just a comfort zone. idk. who cares. (clearly i do, right?) i wish i didn't. i try to remain as docile as possible. really. i really do. for my own sake. it's not enough though, not at this point anyway. i'm overwhelmed. i do try to talk about things with other people though, but i always end up holding back, not being entirely honest or open. it doesn't feel right. so i stop talking. say it's nothing and sink into myself again. that's even worse when what's on my mind is her. i hate having to vent to her.. about her. it's so stupid. pointless. gets neither one of us anywhere. and i hate that she thinks that i think us being together is supposed to solve all my problems and make them like.. magically disappear. no. that's ludicrous. i know better, at least when it comes to that. i hope. i really do hope, otherwise i am an even sadder person that i initially thought i was. for now, i lie to myself and say that the self destruction, countless failures, believing in nothing and yet still loving her is all for the best.

let's hope this all clears up soon.
i need a break from routine. i need
to stop waiting on her, something
that'll never come.

"i was awfully tender around her, whispering and calm."

conversations with a number of friends of mine never fail to remind me of the fact that i don't trust a single one of them as much as i trust her. sure, there are things i tell some of the friends around me that i don't exactly tell everyone, but even then, it is all very vague and detached. so what makes her different? i highly doubt i will truly know the answer to that, but at this point i can't say it matters. it just simply irritates me once in a while that while she must have some sort of idea what she means to me, sometimes it catches me off guard how much she means to me.

anyway, for now i must go
read some more of The Catcher In The Rye.

"Nothing made sense to me anymore. I knew I was young, I knew I was small. But I was worried that I might already be ruined."

"There were some buildings. There are these really tall buildings and they could walk. Then there were some vampires. One of the vampires bit the tallest building and his fangs broke off. Then all his other teeth fell out.
Then he started crying. And then all the other vampires said 'Why are you crying? Aren't those just your baby teeth?' And uh..he said 'No. Those were my grown-up teeth.' And the vampires knew that he couldn't be a vampire anymore so they left him. The End."

The above is Max's story to his Mum in Where The Wild Things Are. I've seen the film many a time and have listened to his story over and over again. One thing that comes to mind whenever I watch the film is the fact that while I cannot wait to leave this god forsaken town and head off somewhere new in hopes of just giving myself a better life, the people around me seem to think that this town is all there is. The high school I'm in consists of about 4,000 students. More than half of them will live here the rest of their lives. I am unbelievably scared of that. There is nothing here for any of us. I mean sure, the city is only about twenty minutes from here, and it is greatly cultured. But even then, the thought of living somewhere for the sake of familiarity is not something that I find very appealing. I want to leave this place and see what else is out there. Experience summer in another country with new people the way they do. Take a walk through a forest I have never been in. Breathe the cold, lung chilling air of a Winter night in Berlin or Moscow, somewhere completely unfamiliar. While I most likely sound like just about every seventeen year old kid afraid of being stuck where they are, it doesn't take away from the fact that I want to be able to experience what's around me. The thought of staring down a road in a small town in France and just observing how people live their lives by different standards and means from the everyday rush of Americans is something that I find fascinating.
Sometimes I wake up wishing my mother would just come say "Hey, pack up all your things. We're leaving this place.. for good" Of course with our beautiful economy the way it is, I know that will never happen. That being said, I do understand that my only way out of this place is through school. At this point, it doesn't matter whether I end up in Australia, Spain or Bulgaria even, I just cannot live here with the same people who think that the world consists of the this town full of nothingness in the U.S only. It saddens me to the point where if i could, I'd take a sail boat wherever it was I was meant to end up.. I'm just hoping that I don't stay here the rest of my life. It would be a life disgustingly wasted.

Je ne parle pas le français.

so i signed up for first year french in the fall. let's hope it goes well. along with that, i chose to take the following one-semester classes:

College Composition.
Mass Media.
Legislative Government.
Environmental Science.

let's hope my last year in high school doesn't suck.
i will try to make the best out of it, though. i've got no
choice, really.

oh and i'm hoping to know enough french by the fall to get through the first semester and be moved up one for second semester.. so that i learn more vocabulary and what have you.

after trying to teach myself some stuff i just know:

salut. comment ca va?

tres bien.

merci.

annnnnnd

Pardon, Madame [/Monsieur] , parlez-vous anglais?

80s me getting a musical fix this week.

this isn't really like me, but for some reason i've been listening to musicians like Bruce Springsteen, Cyndi Lauper, David Bowie, Queen, Blondie and Depeche Mode for the past week more than usual. You can't blame me though. i mean seriously, who doesn't love Lauper??

im a horrible procrastinator.

rather than get ready for school, im waiting for spongebob to come on. i'd much rather stay home, watch spongebob, top model marathons and drink tea. instead i have to go wander around hallways for about seven hours. that sucks. i don't like high school.

true fact: eventually, the searchlights will find me.

it's time for me to start to get ready for school. first day of school in two weeks. not ready. once again, i haven't slept. in fact, i've slept less than before, but before i go find my uniform and what have you, all i wanted to do was mention something. we've been through this countless times, yet it seems i never learn my lesson.

i spill all my guts.
every single thought that i end up wishing i never told you, i tell you..
and all i get in return is half finished sentences, the start of a thought.
nothing.

and it just makes me feel like i've done something wrong. like everything
is my fault.

but that's fine.

it sort of reminds me of that quote from Say Anything.
"I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."
only.. i don't have a pen. lol..

poem from a room.

this grass-stained heart is my sunday best.
these asthmatic lungs are breathing heavy.
heavy.
i've got a heavy head.
lead that keeps me grounded.

i've got my hand on my heart.
like a patriot at a baseball game.
i suppose that would make you the anthem.

lucky. lucky.
yes i am.
not knowing how this will end.
i can say i'm lucky.

you know.. i've got a crush on your ears.
promise me you'll never become Van Gogh.

i've got a crush on your wrists.
promise me you're nothing like Aron Ralston.

it's true.

i try to sleep.
not think about any of this.


i can't.
instead i roll up dollar bills into telescopes.
i swear i can see god.

if i were your one wish, i promise i'd try my
best to come true.

it's the least i could do after being blessed
with your breath.