Hell.

...isn't exactly what i expected when i thought of the video to Tegan and Sara's new single. So until we get an explanation, it doesn't make too much sense to me, but they are adorable and it's a pretty good video nonetheless.



here are a few snapshots from the video.

download the video here!

Four Peas in a Pod.

Tegan and Sara interview Tegan and Sara.

i'll eat you up, i love you so.

One of my biggest fears this year was that Spike Jonze, Max Records and everyone else involved with Where The Wild Things Are would not live up to my expectations and butcher my favourite book and what I was hoping the film would be... I have never been more glad to be wrong. After watching it over the weekend, I still can't seem to get it out of my head... not that I would really want to.

Walking into it, I knew that it wasn't going to be your typical "kids movie". The film, as well as the book of course, deals with abandonment, anger, resentment, fear..

so as I took my seat, I did chuckle at the fact that parents had brought their kids to, what I would consider, a 'young adult' film. I had never before cried or teared up during a film, for some reason I sat there and did just that. Part of me believed that it was maybe just all of these emotions I was feeling deciding to surface while I was enjoying the movie, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never before related to a character in a film the way I was able to relate to Max. The fact that you just want to know you're loved and you want people to know you exist and have this fear of losing those around you because you're full of anger, resentment, confusion, etc.. Jonze did a phenomenal job at showing all of this on screen and Records also did a great job. The other aspect of the film that I found extremely well thought out and placed was the score. Composed by Karen O [of Yeah Yeah Yeahs fame] and Carter Burwell, [who has composed music for films such as Twilight] the film would not have been the same without those two. Where The Wild Things Are is definitely a must-see.

photograph.

"I wish I was that someone who got phone calls

and postcards saying.
'wish you were here'.

I wish you were here.
autumn is the hardest season.
the leaves have all fallen
and they fell like they were falling in love with the ground.

I know we never meant to hurt each other.
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise.


I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around.
like children love recess bells.
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich, handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy.

I think of happy when I think of you.
so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do.

I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth.
 

I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met.
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here..

but mostly, I wish you well,
I wish you my very very best."

::
excerpts from andrea gibson's photograph. 
i dont think i could have worded what i feel any better.
but that day will come. until then, all i have is this. i just
wish that  neither of us had to go through this. i mean, it's
one thing for me to go through it, but i really do hate making
her uncomfortable.. :/

i get away.

i separate myself from everything and everyone that's always on my mind by building my fort and just going away... for whatever amount of time. most people probably think i'm crazy. like, "wtf? you're sixteen and building forts to 'get away' from your girl troubles?!" ..yes, i am. and it works... most of the time. i just don't really know what to do with all of these feelings i go through, so rather than go to old, self-destructive habits every time, i build a fort occasionally.

i am confident in your eyes.

but i'm completely falling apart on the inside.

im dreaming. lying. thinking. breathing. falling. failing. lost. complicated. medicating. despondent. distracted. blue. weak. vicious. romantic. mechanical. confused. irresponsible. away. spineless. forgetful. disposable. everything i never wanted to be.

each day gets more and more like the last day.

i need distance from all this irrationality.

Sometimes i find myself saying things that honestly aren't going to happen. im not going to meet her, let alone marry her.. [regardless of the shit my friends come up with] Hell, at the rate i'm going, i doubt i'll get into film school... but that's a different story. Point is, i lose my focus. i lose grip on what is actually going to happen with my life. Sure, i control my own life, but only to a certain degree. I don't understand why i wake up every morning to go 'live' my sorry excuse of a life. i don't feel like i do anything productive with my life. That being said, why is it then, that i feel like this life is worth living whenever i talk to her, make something, or whatever the case may be. To borrow a line from Jesse Lacey and Brand New's 'Jesus Christ', "..this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.." i don't know what the point in waking up is. i don't know what my purpose is in this world. maybe i don't even have a purpose. all i do know is that for some reason she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay, unfortunately that means nothing.. to her.. but im sure it means everything to me.. i just wish it didn't, because nothing will ever come of this. of us. of anything. fuck, i hate this life more than anything.

"jesus christ, im not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after"..

all i really need to find is.

one short clever line to pinpoint my disgust. why is it that people seem to think it's okay to just write someone off? that because i blog/vlog i "have no life" ..i choose to do these things. i live my life they way i want to because it's my life and if it has no direct effect on you, why care? why do you have to tell me how 'fucked up' i am? i don't bring up anyone else's issues so why on earth are mine such a big deal? They seem to think they can get away with just patronizing me day in and day out, because i dislike confrontation, but it all builds up and remaining docile is a nightmare. I'm just overwhelmed.

no im not ready for..

a big bad step in that direction.

Hell [cut version]

i dont need company.

...in the company of you. oh but i do, i do. i think i've lost count of how many times i've actually blogged about this, but it still runs through my head. i don't know what to do about it. sometimes i wish we'd never met. it would make things a lot easier, because i wouldn't have to try and come up with how to forget you. it's impossible to get someone to like you, but for a while.. you did like me. well, that's what you said. as to whether i actually completely believe you is a different story.. everything inside of me wants to believe you, but i can't say i really did. yet i do. im a walking contradiction, aren't i? i suppose i just have to learn how to look at things realistically rather than idealistically.

"tell everyone i hate you and i'll blame the above"

..i wish i knew how to do that.

It's Coming!

here's a very short announcement about sainthood. i put it together real quick. but i think it gets the point across.


click link below! :D
HELL