i need distance from all this irrationality.

Sometimes i find myself saying things that honestly aren't going to happen. im not going to meet her, let alone marry her.. [regardless of the shit my friends come up with] Hell, at the rate i'm going, i doubt i'll get into film school... but that's a different story. Point is, i lose my focus. i lose grip on what is actually going to happen with my life. Sure, i control my own life, but only to a certain degree. I don't understand why i wake up every morning to go 'live' my sorry excuse of a life. i don't feel like i do anything productive with my life. That being said, why is it then, that i feel like this life is worth living whenever i talk to her, make something, or whatever the case may be. To borrow a line from Jesse Lacey and Brand New's 'Jesus Christ', "..this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.." i don't know what the point in waking up is. i don't know what my purpose is in this world. maybe i don't even have a purpose. all i do know is that for some reason she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay, unfortunately that means nothing.. to her.. but im sure it means everything to me.. i just wish it didn't, because nothing will ever come of this. of us. of anything. fuck, i hate this life more than anything.

"jesus christ, im not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after"..