everybody leaves and i'd expect as much from you.

i don't think the fact that i'm used to people leaving is a good thing. the more i think about it though, the more i kind of realize that at this point.. i'm expecting them to do so, so i don't really open up to many people.

why open up to someone who's just going to be gone in like.. a month's time or so? it's a waste of breath and pointless to be reminded of all the crap i've had to deal with.

that being said, i guess this is why im surprised jess has stuck around as long as she has. if i remember correctly (and i probably don't lol) we started talking a few days after my birthday.. so it's been well close to a year.

we've had our ups and definite downs and i apologize constantly for those downs because i hate feeling like a burden. i hate making things worse.. even though that's usually what happens.

a constant thought of mine is usually "well.. i wonder if today is the day jess is going to 'walk out' of my life" ..if/when it happens, there'll be nothing i could possibly do. i can't make someone stick around, but the fact that she's done it has got to be like... pure luck or something because no one else has ever stuck around that long.

(except for maybe rick, but he's like my brother so i usually don't count him lol)

talking like a teen.

well.. part of me is always debating whether i really want to tell you everything that i regret not telling you when i get the chance.. but is there ever really a chance? is there ever really a "right moment" ?

i don't really think so.
because.. it's like.. i might as well be talking to a plant or something...
not that you're a plant. ;)

but anyway, back to what i was trying to get across.
the reason i said we probably shouldn't IM like that is because well.. all it ends up doing is reminding me that.. things will never work out. and... that sucks.

at this point, it doesn't bum me out that things won't work out, it bums me out that i keep getting my hopes up for no reason.

i say it's the little things about you i adore.
you call them your.. retardations of sorts.

....does it bug me when you call them that?
i must admit, it does a little.
because.. well.... if i didn't mean it, i wouldn't say it.

all ive ever been is honest with you.
and sometimes it's like.. i could say anything and it wouldn't be taken seriously.


i don't know.. perhaps i really am just over analyzing all of this.
i try to tell myself that this is just a silly school-type crush on someone.
the type that doesn't mean a thing.
the one that is there until you run into the next person who you think is "the one"

...it's been like... a year. :|

you said it yourself when we first met.
i remember it word for word.

you said, "the fact we're supposed to find someone to be with forever completely screws with my head."

well.. you're not the only one it screws with.


im terrified of a lot of things.
im terrified of driving at night in horrible weather.
im terrified of ending up in a dead-end job.
im terrified of ODing.
im terrified of living a life that i hate.
im terrified of getting into a horrible car wreck.

but right now.. what terrifies me most is the fact that
after all this time... i do still have these feelings for you.

and i know we pretty much just agreed on the fact that like.. it's because i don't know
you 'personally' so i feel comfortable around you.. but if that were really the reason why..
wouldn't i have these same strong feelings for.. Rob or Cara, Keeley or whoever the hell it was that answered the suicide prevention hotline last?

i just... i know there's gotta be something more there and it kills me. it kills me that the only person
i ever loved doesn't want me...

i just sort of reminded myself of Natalie from Running with Scissors.

Augusten: tell me who he is, Natalie.

Natalie: shut up.

Augusten: tell so i don't feel so alone!

Natalie: he was the only one i ever loved and he doesn't want me anymore! Do you feel better?

yeah.. that scene.
if you've seen it, there's no doubt in my mind that you know what im talking about.
it's a great movie. one of my favourite books. one of my favourite films.



was that enough of a tangent to help you forget what was written before that?
god i hope so.

maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills will leave us like a love letter in a land fill.

but whatever, whenever, however this ends..
i want you to know that right now... i love you forever.

in the middle of this thought without you, babe. in the middle of what you said.

well here i am again. back where i started. wondering how bad i'm going to screw things up this time. and.. i know there's no one to blame but me.

why can't i shut up? why is it so difficult to let this go; difficult to let her go.

i tell myself, "i am ready" but ready for what?

i took a walk earlier.
at least an hour.

i could feel the street freeze my toes.
my knees shiver and my fingers go numb,
but my lungs felt free.

i felt like regardless of what anyone said, i'd be okay.

im so sick of the constant reminders.
"you dont even know her"
"youre never gonna meet her"
"why care? she doesn't"
"wtf is wrong with you?"
"you're an idiot"
"..but you have nothing to offer her"

look, maybe you're right.
chances are, you probably are right.
but i live my own life.
i make my own decisions. both good and bad.
so please don't be that person who just ruins my day.

the walk was so calming. the cold air. the snow seeping into
the soles of my shoes. the trees staring at me. the footprints, a
reminder that things are constantly changing. that life is going to
take me to hell and back. and maybe this is hell. maybe i'm supposed
to feel this way about life and about her. maybe this is what love is
truly like. not the shit on tv or valentines day. but true, honest love.
maybe it is supposed to hurt this much.

i should probably go for another walk.

soil, soil

"i feel like a fool so im going to stop troubling you"

this line expresses so much more to me than you'd think.
to me, it's puts emphasis on the fact that you can care about someone dearly,
not in a silly child-like way where it depends on how you're feeling for the day or
what they look like on the outside, but truly care about someone... and they
still seem to take you for granted.

it's like.. sometimes you wonder whether said person even deserves your
attention, affection, or even a second thought.

"why care about someone you don't even know?" they say.

well... why not?

sure i feel like an asshole most of the time, but how can someone who makes me
feel like there's a reason to get up every morning be that bad of a person?

once again, another question i doubt i'll ever know the answer to.

although to be honest, sometimes i feel like they're right.

why do i care so much?
what makes her so different from everyone else?

all anyone ever cares about is how attractive someone is.
and that's a damn shame because if people just set that aside.. even just a little,
life would be much better.

there are those of us who could care less what someone looks like because
it doesn't define what a person is like on the inside, where it matters.

geez, i sound like an informercial or one of those lifetime soap operas.
this is ridiculous.

the point is, i really wish people didn't dwell on the pointless things in life and actually
took the time to realize that those of us around them, truly do care and appreciate
the company.

so much for so little.

i just hand wrote about three pages.
it's still not enough.
i still feel all of this inside.

i feel like you don't give a shit.
like you could care less and this
makes me feel like an asshole.
like a complete and total fucking
idiot for ever thinking you cared.

but whatever. it's like.. why the fuck
do i even bother anymore? why??

you don't care.
so.. why should i?

it's not like it makes a difference.

i just wish i listened to my friends more
often.. they were right. all the shit they
give me is for a reason, why am i just
too naive to notice?

ugh. i can't wait for this year to be over.

plans for the holiday break.

so ive got about two weeks off. i haven't seen my sister in about a year because she was in Iraq and just got back to the US like a week and a half ago or so. She gets here on Tuesday morning. really early. [like 4am early] so im going to solicit her in hopes of accomplishing the following:

•learn how to change a tire.
•learn how to drive in this horrible snow.
•learn how to chance the oil of a car.
•learn how to wrestle.. well.
•take me to get my license... maybe..idk for sure yet about this one.

then i will convince her to do the following activities with me:
•go bowling.
•let me teach her how to play rugby.
•play a game of rugby in the snow.
•watch a movie.
•play some drinking games ..hah. i'd win.

annnnnnnnnnnd that's all ive got planned thus far.
oh and i have to journal for my Phys Ed teacher for some extra credit which is cool. :) super easy extra credit assignment.

best/worst of 2009.

this year is closing in on it's end. went by quick. sometimes it's scary to think how fast time can go by and all we're left with is an unresolved new years resolution and yet another to add to the list. not a bad year though. focus for this post: some of my favourite and least favourite films, albums, etc of the year, so here goes.

::favourite album::
Tegan and Sara
Sainthood. (really no serious competition there lol)

Runner-ups:
-Karen O and the Kids
Where the wild Things Are Soundtrack.
-Metric
Fantasies.
-The Used
Artwork.




::least favourite album::
Gwar
America Must be Destroyed CD/Dvd.

Runner-ups:
-Dashboard Confessional
After The Ending.
-Switchfoot
Hello Hurricane.
-Say Anything
Say Anything.





::favourite film::
Where the Wild Things Are.

Runner-ups:
-Inglourious Basterds.
-Whip It.
-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.















::least favourite film::

Runner-ups:
As much as i love Rob Zombie
let's be honest, this sucked.. hard.
















::most overrated band::
3Oh!3 (just.. no talent whatsoever)

Runner-ups:
-Paramore.
-My Chemical Romance.. still.
-Cobra Starship.















::most underrated band/musician::
Rachael Cantu.

Runner-ups:
-Matt and Kim.
-Char2d2.










::band that should make a comeback in 2010::
Le Tigre.

Runner-up:
Sleater-Kinney.










::band that should consider throwing in the towel::
Green Day. (well.. i think they should)

::most anticipated film of 2010::
Alice In Wonderland.

::most anticipated album/band::
The Gaslight Anthem.

Runner-up:
-Alkaline Trio.

2010 FIFA World Cup, ay?

so since just about everyone around me is suuuuuuuuuper excited and has their own opinions as to who has a chance at winning and whatnot, here goes my opinion for the matches im interested in lol.. because even still, im not all that into soccer... seriously. :|

::Match::

France V Mexico:
france.

England V USA:
usa..


Germany V Australia:
...tough personal choice, but after some thought,
i've gotta give it to australia.

Italy V New Zealand:
uhh....new zealand.

annnnnd
Spain V Switzerland:
spain.


in other news:
what's your favourite song off of Tegan and Sara's Sainthood?
:)

musical habits.

i noticed something today. what i noticed was that i have a habit of listening to certain bands during certain seasons.[i do listen to anything, but just from what ive noticed, i tend to listen to certain bands more during certain seasons. idk why]

spring and summer are usually full of anything from Atmosphere to the Bouncing Souls and everything in between. In general though, some really good punk bands/albums.

autumn goes to loads of indie/acoustic stuff [more than usual]. both old and new.

winter brings me back to where it all started. growing up listening to loads of heavier stuff. Though i must admit, i really prefer the stuff from like the mid-90s to about 2003. Not a huge fan of the heavier stuff out now... not that it's bad, i just prefer the older stuff.

weak wrists make the girl.

i wrote a poem on a page. read it back today. didn't get it.
read it yesterday, made all the sense in the world.

spoke about you to the world. they ridiculed me. didn't get me.

spoke about you to a certain few, they smiled and said they'd never seen me happier.

wrote again today. pressed for time.
constant constraints and schedules.
rules to abide by. all of this makes me nervous.

but you bring me back down. down to a place
where nothing else matters. a place where i can
say everything i never wanted to say. forget what
i was so excited to tell you.
none of this matters anymore.

does this make any sense?
who really knows..

all im ever sure of is that you're like urban hope.
the reason i forget to breathe in the morning.
one of the few reasons i try to find my way back home.

No Snow Yet.

i hope it stays this way. winters in the city can get pretty brutal and having to commute to and from school daily is a nightmare when there's snow out and it's super cold. it will snow though.. i know it. it was supposed to snow last week. while it is fun to play in the snow (because yes, we still do that from time to time lol) it sucks having to shovel snow off of the front steps at like six in the morning and it sucks having to drive around because the cars get stuck in the damn snow. stupid parking. stupid snow. although the winter can't be avoided, at least we can try to make the best of it.

Dear You.

"you'll find.. i've written you a thousand times."

listen short stuff.

sometimes i wish i didn't know your smile.
i wish for a see-through heart.
a fistful of magic instead of regret.

sometimes i wish for my mind to go off
somewhere other than the empty war zone
of back and forth.. of ups and downs.

sometimes i wish i didn't need you.
the way people pray for god's empty
promises. the way the sky needs moonlight
to make it feel pretty.

sometimes i wish i were able to hold you when you
woke up crying in the middle of the night. fold you in
the pockets of my faith and say, "we'll be okay."

this won't mean a thing come tomorrow.

that's exactly how i'll make it seem.

::

a beautiful girl can make you feel dizzy. like you've been drinking
jack and coke all morning. she can make you feel high. full of the
single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a
better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow.
This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her
smile and in her soul.. the way she makes every rotten little thing about
life seem like it's going to be okay.

My hands tied up around these words. I wish you'd call.

..but i know that you're out tonight.

however,
if you were even able to call, i'd spill all these thoughts of mine
that are overflowing. ive done so much these past couple of days.
so many fumes.. so i end up a little stupid.. lol. it's worth it.

handful of stencils. terrible migraines.  one incredible person
that makes it all worth while.

where the good went. (pt. one)

i don't think that anyone in our place has ever fit in. we are the outcasts, we are the ones that are different. we're the ones that never got along with anyone else. we're the ones that always went back to our rooms and put on our headphones and listened to those records that made us happy.

so here goes my playlist of sorts. well.. one of many.
[alphabetically by artist]

[Boys Night Out]
I Got Punched In the Nose for Sticking My Face In Other People's Business.

[Brand New]
Be Gone.

[Circa Survive]
Act Appalled.

[Deftones]
The Chauffeur.

[Embrace]
Last Song.

[Fugazi]
Epic Problem.

[Glassjaw]
Ape Dos Mil.

[Jim Ward]
Broken Songs. (feat. Tegan Quin)

[PJ Harvey]
A Perfect Day Elise.

[The Shins]
New Slang.

company.

as much as i appreciate and am grateful for just about every opportunity that arises in which the outcome will be positive, part of me always feels either guilty, undeserving or really alone. i mean, i can be surrounded by so many positive people, yet i always feel like something is missing. for example, in march, i can meet tegan and sara because my friend knows security there.. im really excited because tegan and sara are two of my favourite musicians ever, but at the same time i really wish she was there with me. i think this feeling of emptiness that echoes through it all is largely due to the fact that i just wish this person i care about dearly could experience all of these great things with me. meeting all sorts of different people that you don't come across daily, seeing things and just all sorts of cool things this place has to offer that tend to be overshadowed by all the bad. my friends join me on all sorts of things, but the way i feel about them is completely different. sometimes i feel like they aren't even there, like they don't care, and even when i don't feel that way towards them, i still wish she was there. at the end of the day, i don't think im asking for a girlfriend out of any of this. she just seems to be the only person i can really make any sort of connection with in which i don't feel obligated to try and be someone i'm not.

..or maybe it's just the fact that it's almost half past two in the morning and i haven't slept.. but i doubt that. :)

another go tomorrow.

you try to take a look inside. to figure out what you're really about.
so you write.. and you write and write and write.
you write so much, if you were asked to read it aloud,
she'd be waiting tonight, next week, the end of the century for you to finish.
but we all know that won't happen. luckily that won't happen.

and you're nervous.
oh so nervous.
simple things. little things.
the way she strings sentences together..
you'd think she was the queen of wit and intellectualism.
perhaps the offspring of albert camus and liz feldman,
but that.... would just be weird.

it's weird how a skinned knee can make you feel like a kid
again, young again and a cup of coffee on occasion brings
this subtle feeling of adulthood. it's like that coffee mug
is the fluid version of bills and that monthly mortgage you
struggle so desperately to pay.

you pay the price in the form of fearing being grown up.
you trudge though all these emotions. those feelings of
i love you, hate you and whatever else comes in between.

why is it though.. that love is said to bring you happiness yet
all it ever brings is baggage and just more fear. it brings
insecurity as you watch her go and all you're left with is
knowing that you still don't know who you are.

just give this another go tomorrow.

exhale.

this winter is approaching fairly quickly.
with it, it brings the sound of motors running earlier than usual.
the smell of coffee and tea in its early morning hours.
children trying their best not to slip in front of that girl that makes their heart race,
you know, the one that makes their tummy flop backwards and forwards and left and right and each exhale is another opportunity wasted.
another breath gone.
given away to the cold air.
not the type you can see, no.
the kind of cold air that makes my lungs shiver..
even on a summer day.
the cold air that's like a parasite.
regret and fear eating away at.. your one wish was to not have to breathe in.
not once more.
it would be too easy to give up, to stop breathing. so you take each breath slowly..
knowing it prolongs the process, endless cycle of laughing and lying. falling in love, failing at it.
but it's worth it.
after all, spring is always making its way back.

im an indie mess.

Today's train ride back home gave me some more time to ponder upon what it is i want to do with my future. i've always loved writing, taking pictures and filming. what can a person do with a degree in any of that?! well.. i went to columbia college today. Columbia is the largest and most diverse private arts and media college in the nation. which is why it's my first school of choice. i've given it tons of thought and am sure that i want to pursue a career in film... while incorporating photography and writing in my work as much as i possibly can.

oh! and on another note, im working on networking here soooo.. yeah. feel free to add indie mess photography ..my photo site, i guess you can call it.. idk lol.

my current inspiration: aiden.

fatherless is how i prefer to be known.

today i had a small argument in class with my science teacher. although im paraphrasing it, it went something like this:

teacher: i want to see your mother tomorrow for conferences.

me: she's not coming. she has better things to do. why would you want to see her anyway, so that you can tell her about all of my absences?

teacher: yeah, you bet i'm going to her.

me: well.. like i said, she's not coming. she works.

teacher: i'm going to call her. the school doesn't close until nine. i'll just give her a call and let her know.

me: you're going to phone my mum to let her know that i haven't been going to school? they send all the letters to my house. we get all the notices.

teacher: well, i am going to call her anyway.

now the issue i have with this is, he's not my freakin' father. why does he care whether she knows if i go school or not?! his job is to bore me to death with his pointless knowledge of soil and minerals. he treats me like a child. constantly nagging me on why i haven't showed up or what i'm writing in my journal. things that are none of his business. it's ironic that he gave us a speech about how he wasn't going to "baby" us when it came to school work and that if we didn't do it, he wasn't going to be our cheerleader and say things like, "oh come on, you can do it!" i was so glad when he said that because everyone in the class is 16 & 17 years old. we aren't kids anymore, so when he's all up my butt over phoning my mum to just complain to her is quite pathetic and it irritates me.

Credit my weak heart and strong mind, to that bad circumstance and that terrible time.

mum raised us well. did everything she possibly could to make sure that we were okay. being a single parent all on your own with three kids.. you haven't even hit thirty yet, life is tough as it is. she definitely didn't have the hardest life but by no means the easiest either. she's lived a pretty alright life. why is it then, that i can't seem to do the same. i can't seem to find out what it is that's killing me inside. from the inside out. i wish i could fight this off but i don't know what it is. it's this resentment. this frustration.. because of what or who though? i don't understand. i don't understand how i can love someone i've never even met before. how i can love her more than i have ever loved just about anyone else. i don't understand how my sister can really think that fighting solves everything. ...i guess i think that as well. the difference is that i fight myself. i fight myself because i dont know what it is i'm looking for. my older sister is doing a damn good job at living her life. sure, she's in the military and i highly doubt that's an easy thing, but she seems happy.. overall. my younger sister feels most comfortable around her friends. around kids her age. my mum has 'god'. where does that leave me? i hate the people around me, i don't believe in her god. it's so frustrating to feel like you don't belong anywhere. to feel like you were almost a mistake. wasn't everyone? i wish i knew what it was that i was supposed to be looking for. it would make this life much easier. but i guess i'm asking for
way too much. sometimes i feel like i grew up too soon. i remember when i was about seven, my sister said she had to take her friend to the doctor. i tagged along because i wasn't feeling well so i didn't go to school. we weren't allowed inside. i didn't understand why. this man approached me with a binder in his hands. he opened it up. i saw a slew of photos of women on beds, he kept saying that it was wrong. that what was going on inside was murder. later on, i found out that what was supposed to be a doctor's office was actually an abortion clinic. my sister felt guilty. im sure she still does. my family is pro-life. i am afraid to tell them i am not. im getting off track here, but the point is, how can you be so sure that what her friend did didn't save that child of so much more pain, of so much more fear, hatred, anger. how do you know? you don't. i guess that life is a kick in the ass no matter what. maybe no one on this earth ever really has a purpose. if that's the case, i guess nothing anyone ever does really matters. does life matter? do you matter? do i matter? this isn't making sense anymore.
it's just sentence fragments poorly strung together. i guess my point is... if this life is really worth living, i wish i could find what it is i'm looking for. what it is inside me that is set out to make a difference. i wish this life was a less confusing, easier rode. i wish i believed in wishes.

Hell.

...isn't exactly what i expected when i thought of the video to Tegan and Sara's new single. So until we get an explanation, it doesn't make too much sense to me, but they are adorable and it's a pretty good video nonetheless.



here are a few snapshots from the video.

download the video here!

Four Peas in a Pod.

Tegan and Sara interview Tegan and Sara.

i'll eat you up, i love you so.

One of my biggest fears this year was that Spike Jonze, Max Records and everyone else involved with Where The Wild Things Are would not live up to my expectations and butcher my favourite book and what I was hoping the film would be... I have never been more glad to be wrong. After watching it over the weekend, I still can't seem to get it out of my head... not that I would really want to.

Walking into it, I knew that it wasn't going to be your typical "kids movie". The film, as well as the book of course, deals with abandonment, anger, resentment, fear..

so as I took my seat, I did chuckle at the fact that parents had brought their kids to, what I would consider, a 'young adult' film. I had never before cried or teared up during a film, for some reason I sat there and did just that. Part of me believed that it was maybe just all of these emotions I was feeling deciding to surface while I was enjoying the movie, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never before related to a character in a film the way I was able to relate to Max. The fact that you just want to know you're loved and you want people to know you exist and have this fear of losing those around you because you're full of anger, resentment, confusion, etc.. Jonze did a phenomenal job at showing all of this on screen and Records also did a great job. The other aspect of the film that I found extremely well thought out and placed was the score. Composed by Karen O [of Yeah Yeah Yeahs fame] and Carter Burwell, [who has composed music for films such as Twilight] the film would not have been the same without those two. Where The Wild Things Are is definitely a must-see.

photograph.

"I wish I was that someone who got phone calls

and postcards saying.
'wish you were here'.

I wish you were here.
autumn is the hardest season.
the leaves have all fallen
and they fell like they were falling in love with the ground.

I know we never meant to hurt each other.
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise.


I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around.
like children love recess bells.
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich, handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy.

I think of happy when I think of you.
so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do.

I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth.
 

I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met.
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here..

but mostly, I wish you well,
I wish you my very very best."

::
excerpts from andrea gibson's photograph. 
i dont think i could have worded what i feel any better.
but that day will come. until then, all i have is this. i just
wish that  neither of us had to go through this. i mean, it's
one thing for me to go through it, but i really do hate making
her uncomfortable.. :/

i get away.

i separate myself from everything and everyone that's always on my mind by building my fort and just going away... for whatever amount of time. most people probably think i'm crazy. like, "wtf? you're sixteen and building forts to 'get away' from your girl troubles?!" ..yes, i am. and it works... most of the time. i just don't really know what to do with all of these feelings i go through, so rather than go to old, self-destructive habits every time, i build a fort occasionally.

i am confident in your eyes.

but i'm completely falling apart on the inside.

im dreaming. lying. thinking. breathing. falling. failing. lost. complicated. medicating. despondent. distracted. blue. weak. vicious. romantic. mechanical. confused. irresponsible. away. spineless. forgetful. disposable. everything i never wanted to be.

each day gets more and more like the last day.

i need distance from all this irrationality.

Sometimes i find myself saying things that honestly aren't going to happen. im not going to meet her, let alone marry her.. [regardless of the shit my friends come up with] Hell, at the rate i'm going, i doubt i'll get into film school... but that's a different story. Point is, i lose my focus. i lose grip on what is actually going to happen with my life. Sure, i control my own life, but only to a certain degree. I don't understand why i wake up every morning to go 'live' my sorry excuse of a life. i don't feel like i do anything productive with my life. That being said, why is it then, that i feel like this life is worth living whenever i talk to her, make something, or whatever the case may be. To borrow a line from Jesse Lacey and Brand New's 'Jesus Christ', "..this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.." i don't know what the point in waking up is. i don't know what my purpose is in this world. maybe i don't even have a purpose. all i do know is that for some reason she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay, unfortunately that means nothing.. to her.. but im sure it means everything to me.. i just wish it didn't, because nothing will ever come of this. of us. of anything. fuck, i hate this life more than anything.

"jesus christ, im not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after"..

all i really need to find is.

one short clever line to pinpoint my disgust. why is it that people seem to think it's okay to just write someone off? that because i blog/vlog i "have no life" ..i choose to do these things. i live my life they way i want to because it's my life and if it has no direct effect on you, why care? why do you have to tell me how 'fucked up' i am? i don't bring up anyone else's issues so why on earth are mine such a big deal? They seem to think they can get away with just patronizing me day in and day out, because i dislike confrontation, but it all builds up and remaining docile is a nightmare. I'm just overwhelmed.

no im not ready for..

a big bad step in that direction.

Hell [cut version]

i dont need company.

...in the company of you. oh but i do, i do. i think i've lost count of how many times i've actually blogged about this, but it still runs through my head. i don't know what to do about it. sometimes i wish we'd never met. it would make things a lot easier, because i wouldn't have to try and come up with how to forget you. it's impossible to get someone to like you, but for a while.. you did like me. well, that's what you said. as to whether i actually completely believe you is a different story.. everything inside of me wants to believe you, but i can't say i really did. yet i do. im a walking contradiction, aren't i? i suppose i just have to learn how to look at things realistically rather than idealistically.

"tell everyone i hate you and i'll blame the above"

..i wish i knew how to do that.

It's Coming!

here's a very short announcement about sainthood. i put it together real quick. but i think it gets the point across.


click link below! :D
HELL

The Bright Lights Of America. [part one]

The nation is dead. Long live the new nation.

end of the day.

the flickering light above me, the girl behind me who does not understand the meaning behind "that's what she said" and this teacher who honestly just teaches himself --it's the end of the day, and it seems like forever and a day while sitting there. i'm the only junior in a sea of seniors. they all know each other, socialize. i know no one and i'm kind of glad i don't. the foul smell of sweat, these kids are really gross. throw things from one end of the room, to the other. each other. luckily because it's a class of seniors, i can do pretty much whatever i want, teacher doesn't complain much. however, there is still this lingering feeling of being extremely uncomfortable. this teacher talks the entire hour, yet you could honestly hear a pin drop.. although i'm usually asleep by then.

blue and yellow... and a complete waste.

"..you never would have thought in the end, how amazing it feels just to live again." -The Used.

..i couldn't agree more. if it weren't for you, there an extremely high possibility that i wouldn't be here. you know that. but ive told you enough. i wake up every morning just like, "fuck.. i wonder if she'll get it today."

the problem with that is that i am not even sure what im hoping you'll 'get.'

i need to just get it through my head that nothing will ever come of this.
jesus christ, im such a fucking loser. im a liar. an idiot savant without fail. i give up all the time, yet the one thing i should have given up on months ago, is the one person that i can't seem to forget. ..im a fuckin' loser for basically kinda being in love with you for.. idk.. the better part of about seven months?

they say you'll never find what you're looking for if you're actually looking for it.

i wasn't.
i found it.
and it's too good to be true.
so i quit.
..but i'd rather spend my time with you.

kids.

friends of mine. friends of yours. fun nights.

is this what's left of you these days?

"if i could take your pain and frame it, and hang it on my wall, then maybe you would never have to hurt at all." -- Bayside. [Masterpiece]

lately it seems like everywhere i look, everyone around me has something bad
going on. whether they're stressing about school, work, home or a loss, i just wish
they would take a step back and breathe. sure, that's much easier to say than do, but
i hate seeing the people around me upset, especially when i know that there's nothing
that i can do to help them, other than maybe just lend an ear. listen. ..maybe it's just
the changing of seasons. who knows.

your ears will thank you. :)

Rachael Cantu.



Tegan and Sara.



M. Ward.


Andrea Gibson.



City and Colour.



Matt and Kim.

This Business of Art. [part one]

i honestly believe that after the age of five, my 'artistic abilities' stopped progressing. i really do enjoy blowing shit up and breaking things and smearing ink all over paper. lol.

The September Issue.

the fashion savvy girl in me might just be too excited over this... just a little. :) i am dying to get to a theater in town at some point this week, because if i miss this... i will definitely cry. and Ladytron is the trailer music.... could this be any more amazing?! Honestly!

where the wild things are.

i am more excited about this than i am about Tim Burton's version of Alice In Wonderland, and i never thought the day i said that would come. Oh and the score is done by Karen O! What else could you ask for?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM

quick Halloween II review of sorts.

basically, it was lame. As much as i love rob zombie, and as starstruck as i was the day i met him [along with Sheri Moon Zombie] ..the film was just not worth it. i was greatly disappointed. phenomenal musician. as far as directing goes though, he's got a long way to go, and sure im not this huge director with hundreds of thousands of dollars like say Tim Burton, but i know a bad movie when i see one and Halloween II was not good. The blood and guts were good. the actors were pretty good, but one of the major things that really bothered me was that the kid who played young Michael in the first one [Daeg Faerch] was not the same kid in Halloween II. Of course the fact that he was no longer a young boy and had gone through puberty and whatnot, is completely understandable as far as having to go with another actor goes, but this did not make up for the fact that the script was difficult to follow...sort of. it didn't make any sense. it was just really messy ...and not in a good way. Not to mention, he killed the hot ladies! D: lol [see: Angela Trimbur and Danielle Harris]

photo savvy perhaps.

just a few of the pictures ive taken over the past year or so. i finally got around to editing and stuff; figured i'd post them here.